I woke up this morning with hope.

Not real hope just that fragile, caffeine-dependent optimism that whispers, Maybe today will be quiet.

It was not.

By 9:07 a.m., I had already handled:

• One emotional breakdown

• Two interpersonal conflicts

• A minor animal-related incident

• And something that legally required documentation

This is when I realized I am no longer a mother.

I am Human Resources.

But not the corporate kind with policies and authority.

No. I’m the kind with:

• Zero power

• Infinite liability

• And no lunch break

Incident Report #1

Time: Early

Issue: Toddler ate something she absolutely should not have

Resolution: Removed object. Said “WHY” out loud to no one.

Follow-up: None. Toddler immediately reoffended.

Incident Report #2

Time: Mid-morning

Issue: Sibling conflict over something that did not exist yesterday

Resolution: Mediation attempted. Logic rejected.

Outcome: Both parties mad at me.

Incident Report #3

Time: Afternoon

Issue: Teen drama escalated past “kids being kids” and into “I’m googling statutes”

Resolution: Screenshots taken. Calm voice activated. Rage contained.

Notes: Will absolutely be circling back.

At this point, I checked my watch to see if it was at least lunchtime.

It was not.

Incident Report #4

Time: Always

Issue: I was touched. Again. By someone sticky.

Resolution: Deep breath. Internal scream. Continued functioning.

Somewhere between answering emails, refereeing emotional warfare, and explaining why we do not scream like that, I realized something important:

I do not get paid for this.

In fact, I pay to be here.

And yet, I am still expected to:

• Feed everyone

• Maintain morale

• Prevent crimes

• And smile while doing it

I would like to formally resign from this position.

Unfortunately, HR has informed me that my resignation has been denied because they need me.

I will be available tomorrow at 6:12 a.m.

Against my will.

During Crisis Management

You are required to be:

• Present

• Functional

• Not in jail

Everything else is optional.

Survival Tip #7: Resignation Requests Will Be Denied

You may attempt to quit.

HR will laugh softly and say,

“We need you.”

You will return tomorrow.

Tired.

Qualified.

Underpaid.

Survival Tip #8: Protect Your Authority by Pretending You Have It

Confidence is 80% performance.

Stand tall.

Speak slowly.

Say things like, “This behavior is being addressed.”

Even if internally you are Googling “how did this become my life.”