This week’s parenting highlight reel:

• My six-year-old has started licking walls. Not once. Not for a dare. This is a lifestyle choice. I threatened to take her iPad. She shrugged… and licked the wall again. ( I’m just praying drywall isn’t a food group.)

• Harper has learned to hiss from our cats. Which means my children now hiss at each other across the living room like rival alley cats. Loud. Ferocious. Fully committed. Honestly, I don’t know if I should stop them or join them… maybe it’s therapeutic? 

• And then there’s the pepperoni scandal. Apparently, some slices are “dirty.” Not all of them. Just two or three random ones from the exact same plate, same bag, same serving. But no… those particular slices are obviously contaminated. Pizza night has turned into a courtroom drama.

We have reached the parenting stage where I’m not sure if I’m raising future world leaders, performance artists, or auditioning contestants for Survival elementary school edition.