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I Accidentally Performed at IHOP Last Night
At exactly midnight last night, I called my son Thomas to wish him a happy birthday. Not like a normal mother. So I FaceTimed him and launched, loudly and confidently, into what can only be described as a stereotypical 1990s rap rendition of “Happy Birthday,” except mine included several strategically placed F-bombs, because I am…
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The Missing Bladder
I need to tell you about a medical discovery I made this week that is going to change pediatric anatomy as we know it. My four-year-old does not have a bladder. I know. I was surprised too. Forty-one years I’ve been walking around assuming humans come standard with a bladder. Kidneys, liver, lungs, the usual…
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BoBo The Clown Let Me Down
I need to open with a disclaimer, because apparently that’s the rule now if you’re going to publicly drag a clown: my children had the time of their lives. Harper was mesmerized. Her siblings had a blast. Kris had a blast. Memories were made. Cotton candy was consumed at a rate that will require its…
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Apparently Fall Is a State of Mind
It is currently 102 degrees outside. It feels like 111. And according to the forecast, Texas has apparently decided that for the foreseeable future we will be living somewhere between the surface of the sun and Satan’s screened-in porch. We’re looking at actual temperatures between 100 and 105, with heat indexes wandering into numbers I…
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The First Rule of Sister Fight Club Is Nobody Broke the Chair
There are rules to having a sister. Nobody writes them down, nobody explains them to you, and yet somehow, from the moment there are two little girls sharing toys, parents, and oxygen, they just know them. Rule One: If your sister touches something you weren’t remotely interested in thirty seconds ago, you now need it…
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Harper and the Purple Lipstick
Back in 2004, before I had enough children to accidentally form my own small school district, there was just Jacob. My Boo Bah. For a few precious years he had me almost entirely to himself. No siblings interrupting us, no one screaming from another room, no tiny person demanding a snack twelve seconds after refusing…
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Apparently I’m the Weird Mom Who Draws on Children
The mosquito almost got away with it. Fast forward a couple days from our last post. The itching had calmed down, but two of the bites had developed little blisters with pink rings around them, and that’s the part that made me stop scrolling and start paying attention. Here’s the thing about our family: we…
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Pool Leaks, Grief, and the Many Ways We Cope
I’ve been a little quiet the last couple of days. My dad passed away on Friday. I sat down more than once to write, stared at a blinking cursor, and realized I didn’t have anything funny to say. That’s unusual for me, normally I can find humor in almost anything, but grief has a way…
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Sweet Frog, Marshmallow Cream, and the Strange Art of Being Present
It started, as so many of my days do lately, with tiny food. The little girls recently introduced me to Miniverse , a resin-based universe designed specifically to consume the free time of unsuspecting mothers. At first I was just helping. Then somehow I found myself emotionally invested in miniature food. Now I’m making tiny…
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