(AKA: Why I’m Packing 27 Gallons of Hot Cocoa Instead)

If you ever need a lesson in emotional resilience, don’t read a self-help book.

Just order wine online and wait for UPS.

Yesterday was supposed to be simple:

wine arrives, I pack like a functioning adult, we leave for our cozy little family getaway, I sip my sweet red like a woman who earned it.

Instead?

Imagine watching a UPS truck blow past your house like it’s training for NASCAR, never slowing down, not even a courtesy brake tap.

Meanwhile, Minibar is over here sending me copy-and-paste therapy emails like:

“We understand this is frustrating.”

Do you?

Do you, Susan?

Because I’ve now emailed you five angles of your driver missing my house like it’s in a different dimension.

Let’s recap the chaos:

• Minibar typed the wrong address

• UPS said “delivery from 2–6 pm”

• My neighbor put a note on his door like he was part of the investigation

• Kris cleaned all his guns on the porch like he was auditioning for Yellowstone

• We sat outside like suspicious lawn ornaments

• ALL our cameras were recording like we were the CIA

• UPS: never came

• UPS: never loaded it on the truck

• Minibar: “You should pay MORE for us to hold it at a UPS store.”

Yes. Let me pay extra for your mistakes.

So now?

We leave for our mini trip tomorrow with:

❌ No wine

❌ No apology

❌ No resolution

✔️ A full-blown feud with Minibar

✔️ A swear jar filled to retirement levels

✔️ A 27-gallon tub full of hot cocoa and s’mores supplies

✔️ A secluded cabin with a hot tub

✔️ A husband who thinks none of this was wasted time because he got to clean his guns

And honestly?

Maybe this is the plot twist I needed.

A business-expanding, book-selling, future-agent-seeking author mama sitting in a hot tub, drinking cocoa like it’s fine wine while trying not to get her fresh nose piercing wet.

Cheers to vacation.

Cheers to chaos.

And cheers to never ordering from Minibar again.