I love coffee.

Not caffeine.

Coffee.

Decaf? Love her.

Flavored? Bring it.

Single-origin, grocery store brand, seasonal nonsense with notes of “oak and regret”? I’m in.

I get childlike joy out of trying new coffee brands and flavors. I believe deeply that a good coffee pot matters. It’s not a luxury. It’s infrastructure.

So last Mother’s Day, when Kohl’s had a Ninja Duo with a cold brew option on sale for just under $200 (yes, that’s obscene, absurd, and sounds fake), I grabbed it.

At first, it was perfect.

Warm. Reliable. Supportive.

Like all relationships in the beginning.

Then… she showed her true colors.

The Ninja would randomly shut off.

Initiate “safety features.”

Blink at me like I was the problem.

It behaved like a toddler who’d just realized cookies exist and now must be stopped for everyone’s safety.

I called Ninja. To their credit, customer service was lovely. They sent me a brand-new replacementand even threw in a travel cup that brought me an unreasonable amount of joy. The original pot was seven months old, so I figured: fine. Something went wrong. We’re moving forward.

They had me cut the cord on the old machine like an exorcism. I waited for the new one to arrive, using my backup travel pot like a woman rebuilding her life after heartbreak.

The story should have ended there.

It did not.

The new Ninja behaved for about a month.

Then she, too, turned.

Same routine:

• Brew

• Hope

• Blink

• Shut off

• Emotional damage

We cleaned.

We descaled.

We watched the videos.

We wiped crevices no one should have to wipe before coffee.

Nothing worked.

You’d hit brew, the promise of your glorious morning liquid of love would begin… and then it would blink off like, Absolutely not, Susan.

So, being the calm and rational person I am, I gave up, grabbed my travel pot again, and cried on the floor.

To add insult to injury:

We bought our daughter the same Ninja for Christmas 2024.

Two months in?

Same behavior.

This is not coincidence.

This is a pattern.

I still love Ninja bakeware.

I still love their air fryers.

My shark vacuum manual and robot… love them. 

But the coffee saga?

She betrayed me.

Ninja has a problem. I hope they fix it for someone else.

For me, this relationship is over.

They did offer to send me another one and even upgrade to the next model and for that I stand by them as a brand I will proudly continue to shop them for all things not coffee. 

I need a new coffee pot.

A stable one.

A reliable one.

One that doesn’t emotionally manipulate me before 7 a.m.

If you see me researching coffee makers like I’m choosing a life partner… mind your business.

This is serious.