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Sweet Frog, Marshmallow Cream, and the Strange Art of Being Present
It started, as so many of my days do lately, with tiny food. The little girls recently introduced me to Miniverse , a resin-based universe designed specifically to consume the free time of unsuspecting mothers. At first I was just helping. Then somehow I found myself emotionally invested in miniature food. Now I’m making tiny…
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I Became My Mother
There are certain things you swear you’ll never do, the declarations you make when you’re twenty and invincible. I’ll never sound like my mother. I’ll never get excited about appliances. I’ll never say things like, “Did you unplug the curling iron?” I’ll never drink Gatorade before bed. Yet here we are. At two in the…
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The Vegans Tried to Kill Me
Before anyone gets upset, let me clarify something. I was vegan. Voluntarily. For almost two years. Nobody forced me. Nobody threatened me. There wasn’t a hostage situation involving kale. I chose this of my own free will, with my whole chest, like a confident adult who had absolutely done her research. I had not done…
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Why Nobody Should Trust Me With Water
I own a sprinkler company. That sentence is the entire joke, honestly. You can stop reading here if you want. I’ll understand. No okay, here’s the full story, even though it’s embarrassing and I’m still not fully over it. Our company designs irrigation systems. We repair them, troubleshoot them, program them. I have personally sat…
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A Dads Life
Tonight, while I was feeding reptiles and minding my own business, Kris came charging into the room like he’d just discovered a body. “The rabbits aren’t both males.” I looked up. One rabbit was chasing the other. There had apparently been sniffing. And, according to my husband, there had definitely been humping. My day was…
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The Vacation That Didn’t Happen
I have been counting down to this cruise for months and not in a normal, healthy way. I mean the kind of countdown where every stressful thing gets met with “just make it to the cruise.” Customer being difficult? Cruise. Invoices piling up? Cruise. Laundry mountain threatening to become a geological landmark? Cruise. The cruise had…
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We Joined Another Cult
I have joined another cult. Now before anyone gets concerned, this is not actually my first cult. If we’re being honest, I’ve accidentally joined several over the years. There’s the HOA cult, the PTO cult, the homeschool cult, and the “I own chickens for emotional support but somehow spend more money on them than my…
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Sometimes I Want to Run Away Too
The graduation party was supposed to feel happy, and it did, mostly, somewhere underneath the layer of complete and total sensory overload that is hosting a graduation party for what felt like the entire population of a small municipality. There were people everywhere, food everywhere, kids everywhere, and cups sitting in places cups should never, ever…
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Forty-Two Hits Hard
Kris turned forty-two today. I would like to report that he spent the day surrounded by family, enjoying lunch, opening gifts, and celebrating another year of life. Instead, I have to report that his memory apparently expired at midnight. Not gradually. Not over time. Not after years of aging. Immediately. Like a software update gone…
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The Pet War Never Ends
I almost bought a tarantula today. A pink toe tarantula, to be specific. Now before anyone starts questioning my judgment, let me remind you that I am also the same woman who will launch herself across an entire room if a spider unexpectedly appears on the wall. If a spider walks across my lawn, I…
Crumbs and Chaos 